Nan

Holy shit... I have a blog. Kinda forgot about it it seems. Been almost a year since I've written anything in it. Thought about waiting a couple more weeks to write just so I could say it has been a year, but that would feel like cheating somehow. Well, in the last year, I guess the biggest change is the birth of my second daughter Kaedence Raine. I would post a picture, but I'm writing this on my phone and am not sure how to do so yet. If I figure it out I will. She is the most beautiful baby you'll ever see. She is now 8 months old, and just about ready to crawl, once she gets the idea of opposite leg and arm down.

Just as one precious life is really getting going, another is ending. My grandmother (Nan, as she's known far and wide), is passing on slowly before our eyes. On November 23rd, she called us saying she wasn't feeling well and wanted to go to the hospital. Turns out, she had a heart attack. In the last year she'd had a few, and we think she's kinda been having them right along but not telling anyone...at least not everytime. At the hospital, it also was discovered that she had pneumonia. Now, of all the times I've seen Nan in the hospital for various things, this was the first time I've seen her appear scared and anxious. Going in, I figured she'd be in for a day or two or whatever. Now, it doesn't look like she will come out. We go in daily, and take Kaede so she can see her great - nanny as much as possible, and also so Nan can see her. To see a piece of the future that wouldn't be here if not for her. And every day she gets weaker, and sleeps more. Sometimes unable to talk loud enough even when up close. My brother lives in Alberta, and thankfully, through the magic that is the Internet and iPhones, we've been able to Skype with him so Nan could see and talk to him and his two children. Each morning, I wake wondering if she has died in the night, and each day she hasn't. I wonder sometimes, why she keeps going. Is it even a choice, as we often like to think of it? When we reach a certain point in our health, can we somehow will ourselves to let go? I don't know. Maybe. She's lived what most would consider a good long life. Living independently up until now. Lived to see 15 or so great grandchildren at 93 years old. May she find rest and peace.

Choose to be nice?

I had a patient the other day (week, month.. I dunno.. time runs together) and when I received her, the facility I picked her up from told me she used to be the nicest person, but since she got sick, that she had become mean. And she was. Everyone was blaming her condition on her change. So I got thinking, if someone was a complete asshole before falling ill, then became the nicest person, it`s often attributed to an awakening of sorts. That they suddenly become aware of they way they were, and now want to try to right wrongs and live a good life from then on. If someone who was always pleasant, then falls ill and becomes miserable, it`s sometimes attributed to the disease.

I got thinking, maybe the meanie who became nice did not choose to, but is actually suffering from the disease process, and the niceness is a side effect and not a conscious change of personality. I have absolutely nothing to back this theory up, but I found it interesting to think about. Do we chose how we are, or is it ingrained in us and we really have no choice in whether we are nice or not?

Aren't firefighters supposed to put out fires?

It disgusts me that people would sit back and and just watch when they have means to help someone else in a time of dire need. It's even worse when those people who are just watching are employed to help people in dire need. What I'm refering to are firemen who let a family lose their home over $75. When you watch the video it'll become more clear as to what I am talking about. There is something wrong with a society when it allows such tragedies to occur over minor technicalities. What ever happend to reaching out and helping those in need, regardless of their situation?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJyjNiL4zZg

This is not intended to be a slight against fire departments, but against those individuals who were there that day and allowed a familys home be destroyed. Sure, they were just following "orders", but I believe our moral compass should dictate our actions over another person's directives.

6 months

It's been 6 months. Just when things were looking great, everything was falling into place and according to plan. We all knew it was fragile, but thre were just a few more cards to go until the house was finished and something shook the earth, and they came down. Silently. No one knew what had happened. At least not until someone opened the door, looked in, and saw the mess of cards lying there. And as much as we all wanted to, no one could try to rebuild it. They were a one time use only, and it was over. A large part of myself... my being... my essence... my very soul, made up those cards, and now with them gone, I can never be complete again.

I always been a spiritual person. My thoughts on religion have and continue to change throughout my life, but I've always believed that we have spirits watching over us... guardian angels, if you will. Sometimes they appear in other people in our lives, or maybe the thoughts in our head we call "conscience". It's a sad thing that you're one of mine. It should be the other way around.

I love you, Kherrington. I can't wait to see you again.

Half Full

So, graduation was the other day. It was nice.

When I started this course back in September, I envisioned being more excited than I am. I've always maintained the "it's the journey, not the destination" type of mentality. I've always felt a little bitter-sweet when reaching the end of a good book, or even more so on a book series. But this is different. Don't misunderstand me, I'm happy that it's over, that I did well, that I can be home more, that I can move on to the next stage of my life, but I'm not feeling the ecstasy that I had envisioned.

One of my friends and classmates mentioned to me after I was done all my school testing and knew I was going to graduate, that I didn't seem as joyous as he had expected. I told him the journey/destination line. Which is true. But truth be told, a large part of it is because it's not complete. Someone's missing. And she always will be. I knew I couldn't go home, hold her, and tell her about my accomplishment and have her look at me and smile (or more likely spit up). And I knew I couldn't hold her at my graduation and have my picture taken with her. So, I put on a smile, and cheer when I'm supposed to, and laugh when I'm supposed to, and while much of it is real, some of it is forced. The hardest part, is knowing that this will be the case every day of the rest of my life. There will be someone missing.

I love you, Kherrington. I wish you could have been there.

-Scott

Self High Five!!

Done!!

My school year began on August 30, 2009, and ended on June 29, 2010. It's been a long haul, away from home two weeks or more at a time, school during the day, study 6-8 hours a night, and no life outside school. But it was worth it. On the 12th of July, I'll graduate. On the 14th I'll wirte the provincial test to be liscenced, on the 9th I have tests for company to complete.... what was this about being done? lol......

I'm looking forward to finding a new groove to fall into. One that will hopefully allow me to spend time doing things I've missed over the past year.

-Scott