Nan

Holy shit... I have a blog. Kinda forgot about it it seems. Been almost a year since I've written anything in it. Thought about waiting a couple more weeks to write just so I could say it has been a year, but that would feel like cheating somehow. Well, in the last year, I guess the biggest change is the birth of my second daughter Kaedence Raine. I would post a picture, but I'm writing this on my phone and am not sure how to do so yet. If I figure it out I will. She is the most beautiful baby you'll ever see. She is now 8 months old, and just about ready to crawl, once she gets the idea of opposite leg and arm down.

Just as one precious life is really getting going, another is ending. My grandmother (Nan, as she's known far and wide), is passing on slowly before our eyes. On November 23rd, she called us saying she wasn't feeling well and wanted to go to the hospital. Turns out, she had a heart attack. In the last year she'd had a few, and we think she's kinda been having them right along but not telling anyone...at least not everytime. At the hospital, it also was discovered that she had pneumonia. Now, of all the times I've seen Nan in the hospital for various things, this was the first time I've seen her appear scared and anxious. Going in, I figured she'd be in for a day or two or whatever. Now, it doesn't look like she will come out. We go in daily, and take Kaede so she can see her great - nanny as much as possible, and also so Nan can see her. To see a piece of the future that wouldn't be here if not for her. And every day she gets weaker, and sleeps more. Sometimes unable to talk loud enough even when up close. My brother lives in Alberta, and thankfully, through the magic that is the Internet and iPhones, we've been able to Skype with him so Nan could see and talk to him and his two children. Each morning, I wake wondering if she has died in the night, and each day she hasn't. I wonder sometimes, why she keeps going. Is it even a choice, as we often like to think of it? When we reach a certain point in our health, can we somehow will ourselves to let go? I don't know. Maybe. She's lived what most would consider a good long life. Living independently up until now. Lived to see 15 or so great grandchildren at 93 years old. May she find rest and peace.