It's been awhile.
It's not that I haven't had much to say, quite the opposite. Just didn't want to say it, I guess. This year, that was supposed to be so great and fantastic, will now be known as the worst in my life, as I can not imagine having a worse one. The funny thing is, is that some of my best moments will (hopefully) come from this year as well. But it's lost its shine. It all seems a bit, tarnished, now.
I'm making reference, of course, to my daughter passing before she had a chance at living. Kherrington Faith. That's her name. We kept the name a secret from everyone (with the exception of a 3 year old), thinking it would be the one thing we kept to ourselves. Everyone knew we were going to have a girl so this would be the one surprise that we would be able to give everyone else. And it was fun. Who doesn't like secrets?
Unfortunately, we were the ones in for the biggest surprise, when on February 3, 2010, our daughter passed away. Talk about a surprise. I wish I knew what it would be like if she hadn't. If I could hold her and have her squirm in my arms. To hear her cry...to watch her sleep. I'll never know. I'll only know the hurt. And it doesn't go away. Not completely. It's always lurking around the corner somewhere in the shadows.
When people ask if I have children, I say yes. To say otherwise would lessen her memory. Although sometimes I want to say no, to avoid the standard questions that follow, such as how old she is. That's the kicker. I am a father, but I never got to be a dad for my little girl. And that's all I wanted.
I've been putting off blogging because I've been avoiding writing this one. It seemed wrong of me to write about any other subject before addressing this one. And it did hurt, just like I knew it would. I want it to always hurt. It only seems right.
For the memorial service, we kept it small and simple. We had the song Hallelujah played by Amy Anderson on piano with Andrew Bull singing. Thank you guys again, if you should ever read this. I wrote the 3rd and 4th verses as posted below with the 1st, 2nd, and 5th being Cohen's. I'm posting this largely so I'll have an electronic copy should my paper one ever go missing.Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like thisThe fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
My world is in endless night
Now that I've lost my shining light
It's cruel that I never got to know you
Born into this world of man
You're life was over before it began
In your name, I cry out Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Though you're gone, I hold you near
In my scarred heart, my dear
I hope you know just how much I love you
I know I'll never hear you laugh
And ours is a mournful path
Our shattered souls cry out Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
