Choose to be nice?

I had a patient the other day (week, month.. I dunno.. time runs together) and when I received her, the facility I picked her up from told me she used to be the nicest person, but since she got sick, that she had become mean. And she was. Everyone was blaming her condition on her change. So I got thinking, if someone was a complete asshole before falling ill, then became the nicest person, it`s often attributed to an awakening of sorts. That they suddenly become aware of they way they were, and now want to try to right wrongs and live a good life from then on. If someone who was always pleasant, then falls ill and becomes miserable, it`s sometimes attributed to the disease.

I got thinking, maybe the meanie who became nice did not choose to, but is actually suffering from the disease process, and the niceness is a side effect and not a conscious change of personality. I have absolutely nothing to back this theory up, but I found it interesting to think about. Do we chose how we are, or is it ingrained in us and we really have no choice in whether we are nice or not?

Aren't firefighters supposed to put out fires?

It disgusts me that people would sit back and and just watch when they have means to help someone else in a time of dire need. It's even worse when those people who are just watching are employed to help people in dire need. What I'm refering to are firemen who let a family lose their home over $75. When you watch the video it'll become more clear as to what I am talking about. There is something wrong with a society when it allows such tragedies to occur over minor technicalities. What ever happend to reaching out and helping those in need, regardless of their situation?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJyjNiL4zZg

This is not intended to be a slight against fire departments, but against those individuals who were there that day and allowed a familys home be destroyed. Sure, they were just following "orders", but I believe our moral compass should dictate our actions over another person's directives.

6 months

It's been 6 months. Just when things were looking great, everything was falling into place and according to plan. We all knew it was fragile, but thre were just a few more cards to go until the house was finished and something shook the earth, and they came down. Silently. No one knew what had happened. At least not until someone opened the door, looked in, and saw the mess of cards lying there. And as much as we all wanted to, no one could try to rebuild it. They were a one time use only, and it was over. A large part of myself... my being... my essence... my very soul, made up those cards, and now with them gone, I can never be complete again.

I always been a spiritual person. My thoughts on religion have and continue to change throughout my life, but I've always believed that we have spirits watching over us... guardian angels, if you will. Sometimes they appear in other people in our lives, or maybe the thoughts in our head we call "conscience". It's a sad thing that you're one of mine. It should be the other way around.

I love you, Kherrington. I can't wait to see you again.

Half Full

So, graduation was the other day. It was nice.

When I started this course back in September, I envisioned being more excited than I am. I've always maintained the "it's the journey, not the destination" type of mentality. I've always felt a little bitter-sweet when reaching the end of a good book, or even more so on a book series. But this is different. Don't misunderstand me, I'm happy that it's over, that I did well, that I can be home more, that I can move on to the next stage of my life, but I'm not feeling the ecstasy that I had envisioned.

One of my friends and classmates mentioned to me after I was done all my school testing and knew I was going to graduate, that I didn't seem as joyous as he had expected. I told him the journey/destination line. Which is true. But truth be told, a large part of it is because it's not complete. Someone's missing. And she always will be. I knew I couldn't go home, hold her, and tell her about my accomplishment and have her look at me and smile (or more likely spit up). And I knew I couldn't hold her at my graduation and have my picture taken with her. So, I put on a smile, and cheer when I'm supposed to, and laugh when I'm supposed to, and while much of it is real, some of it is forced. The hardest part, is knowing that this will be the case every day of the rest of my life. There will be someone missing.

I love you, Kherrington. I wish you could have been there.

-Scott

Self High Five!!

Done!!

My school year began on August 30, 2009, and ended on June 29, 2010. It's been a long haul, away from home two weeks or more at a time, school during the day, study 6-8 hours a night, and no life outside school. But it was worth it. On the 12th of July, I'll graduate. On the 14th I'll wirte the provincial test to be liscenced, on the 9th I have tests for company to complete.... what was this about being done? lol......

I'm looking forward to finding a new groove to fall into. One that will hopefully allow me to spend time doing things I've missed over the past year.

-Scott

Responsibility

So, last weekend I was driving to Saint John listening to CBC radio and they had a news article on how in the (at the time) last 4 weeks, there had been 4 young children killed by being struck by vehicles in their own yard. The closest of which was in Moncton with an 18 month old being run over by a vehicle driven by a family member.



The report went on to say how new innovations such as proximity alarms and in dash cameras for backing up are becoming more commonplace and will be helpful in reducing these tragedies.



I agree.



However, I found it......upsetting, that it seemed that blame was being placed on the vehicles for not being equipped with these new technologies instead of the lack of adult supervision of children.

While technology can be a good aid in parenting and safety, or any aspect of life for that matter, it can never replace common sense.

-Scott

Broken Mirrors, Shattered Dreams

It's been awhile.

It's not that I haven't had much to say, quite the opposite. Just didn't want to say it, I guess. This year, that was supposed to be so great and fantastic, will now be known as the worst in my life, as I can not imagine having a worse one. The funny thing is, is that some of my best moments will (hopefully) come from this year as well. But it's lost its shine. It all seems a bit, tarnished, now.

I'm making reference, of course, to my daughter passing before she had a chance at living. Kherrington Faith. That's her name. We kept the name a secret from everyone (with the exception of a 3 year old), thinking it would be the one thing we kept to ourselves. Everyone knew we were going to have a girl so this would be the one surprise that we would be able to give everyone else. And it was fun. Who doesn't like secrets?

Unfortunately, we were the ones in for the biggest surprise, when on February 3, 2010, our daughter passed away. Talk about a surprise. I wish I knew what it would be like if she hadn't. If I could hold her and have her squirm in my arms. To hear her cry...to watch her sleep. I'll never know. I'll only know the hurt. And it doesn't go away. Not completely. It's always lurking around the corner somewhere in the shadows.

When people ask if I have children, I say yes. To say otherwise would lessen her memory. Although sometimes I want to say no, to avoid the standard questions that follow, such as how old she is. That's the kicker. I am a father, but I never got to be a dad for my little girl. And that's all I wanted.

I've been putting off blogging because I've been avoiding writing this one. It seemed wrong of me to write about any other subject before addressing this one. And it did hurt, just like I knew it would. I want it to always hurt. It only seems right.

For the memorial service, we kept it small and simple. We had the song Hallelujah played by Amy Anderson on piano with Andrew Bull singing. Thank you guys again, if you should ever read this. I wrote the 3rd and 4th verses as posted below with the 1st, 2nd, and 5th being Cohen's. I'm posting this largely so I'll have an electronic copy should my paper one ever go missing.





Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like thisThe fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

My world is in endless night
Now that I've lost my shining light
It's cruel that I never got to know you
Born into this world of man
You're life was over before it began
In your name, I cry out Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Though you're gone, I hold you near
In my scarred heart, my dear
I hope you know just how much I love you
I know I'll never hear you laugh
And ours is a mournful path
Our shattered souls cry out Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

The Bum

Cold and hungry with nothing to eat
I can only wish for shoes on my feet
As I shiver in the snow and the sleet

People walk by who have enough and more
Those who can buy anything in a store
But can't afford me a look 'cause I'm poor

And though I beg but just a crumb
They say nothing as though they're dumb
I'm not a man, I'm just a bum

The Year of Change

So, here it is. Day one of the new year, and it promises to hold some key changes for me. In a couple of months, my daughter will be born and I will become a parent. At the same time, I'll be finishing my school time and then putting time in on the trucks and in the hospital. Hopefully this will lead to graduation in July, and then a new career.

Here's hoping to a great year!

-Scott